It has been a while since I have written anything; not on here; not on my personal blog or as a note on Facebook What I did do though, was making a video for my school. It was a short poetic version of the four years I've been here, and its sadly drawing to an end. Never have I felt the pressure of endings and beginnings as I do now. Never have I been scared to plunge unto unknown waters, even literally into a shallow swimming pool, but for more on that, visit www.ivorswartz.blogspot.com.
Beginnings, endings or endings, beginnings, whichever way you look at it, they're scary, yet so necessary for our growing and moving forward. Starting a new job; having to leave family and friends for a new town, country; starting all over without him/her; day one without cutting, drugs, AGAIN...its scary, and not so easy as people make it out to be.
So many people try to focus on figuring out what the future holds for them, and subconsciously puts pressure on the ones who like to take life as it comes. Lots of people make you believe your ending and beginning would be as easy as theirs was. "It'll work out fine" is what they always say. You'l feel better tomorrow. I hate those kind of cliches. What if its not better tomorrow? What have you got to say then? Maybe the day after?
I used to be addicted to a lot of stuff: porn, masturbation, mandrax, greed, hatred, and I'm lightly depressed as well. One thing I came to realize with these battles I've faced, is that its NOT going to be okay like everyone says. I never woke up one day and they were all gone. I overcame most of these things but at days, really bad days, i still want to cover my face with a pillow and drown myself, cut off from the cruel world. And when I do build the strength to face the world again, my issues will be right there waiting for me. I had to start over with my battle, counting day one AGAIN. My third or fourth last beginning, because I believed a comforting lie that says, you'll be over it in no time, or its just a phase you're going through.
No one get over pain, just like that. Pain takes time to heal. Wounds take time. Addiction takes time. So does cutting, depression, fear, loneliness. It takes time to be bold and end the thing that's destroying you. It takes time to make a new start. For some, like I said, it comes easily, for others it doesn't. Luckily for me, I'm surrounded by friends that support my every rise and fall, big or small, and I want to encourage those of you who struggle with your issue on your own, to take the time to let people into who you are; take time to have them help you carry the burden; give time for healing to find you. We can never survive alone. We need people. People needs us. Fight for who you want to be. Fight through your"ending". Fight for your "new beginning". Fight, against all odds. Fight against the lies; fight against your enemies; fight against the urge to 'do it again'. Fight till there's nothing left. Time will reveal the healing; the recovery; the rewards.
No matter how deep your hole, keep fighting. It's the only thing that make sense. Keep fighting for the beauty in your story.
We are attempting to shout back at those giant elephants that's haunting our dreams, stealing our identities, leaving us scarred for life. we have to fight them. We have to StayAliveFriend.
