Silence Within-guest post by Paula Bredenkamp @paulieepooh

It's so easy to be silent in front of other people, but to keep the silence to yourself is a challenge in itself.

Most of the time, in order for us to be silent on the inside, is to speak up.

Think about it, when we are silent towards the people who loves us, it builds up inside. But, in choosing to share how we think and feel we can quiet ourselves down on the inside. This seems a lot like extreme reverse psychology. Like everything in life, there are a few things we need to remember when it comes to this.

I spoke to a friend earlier this week, where I just completely let go of myself. It was a relieving, yet fearful moment, because I'm always afraid of bringing down the people I share with. He reminded me that it's necessary, because if we don't, who will ever. For me, it was always an issue of giving people hope when I share parts of myself with them. I never used to share the parts of me that really aches, and his words made me realize that my brokenness, in many ways can serve as a channel of hope to people. People often tell stories of how they WERE in a bad place; how they WERE struggling, but you hardly hear people telling stories of how they ARE in bad places, and how they ARE struggling to get through it.

I wrote this poem the other night, and I hope it make sense:

This is what I feel now

You keep on asking me how

How can you share this feeling

I thought you were done dealing

I choose to reply

With something as simple as a bye

Cause something like a "fuck you"

In times like this would'n do

What I do validates how I feel

Even to you it might seem unreal

I have to choose to be strong

Even though I want to do wrong

I need to stop this pain

from driving me totally insane

I really just want this to end

This broken heart can no longer mend

So don't ask me how I am

I'll just answer with a "fine, thank you ma'am"

I will keep on fighting till the day I die

But for now just allow me to feel like a fly

Useless, small, broken, alone

Thinking I'm doing this on my own

But no matter how bad this might seem

This is just the in between

So, in order for me to be silent within, I need to speak up and in order to speak up I need to learn that it's okay not to be okay, and that there's a reason that I am where I am right now. Me speaking up right no, just might be the story someone else needs to hear.

Many times we are hurt just so the person next to us can grow. So speak up; don't be ashamed of who you are and allow yourself to become silent.

This Year

Most of my past was covered with dark years. I had years where I lived in poverty as a child; in prison as a teenager; and a confused young adult trying to fit in thereafter. But there were better years, like my years as a student at Pneumatix. People often refer to years as ‘seasons of life’.

Somehow out of it all though, this year has been in particular the toughest year I’ve had to face, and the year still got 140 days and some couple hours left. I wish I could say it was a year or season of growth, and maybe it was, or is. Maybe I’m not aware of the growth, or maybe the growth will only show in due time. All I know that it was and is still painful.

I’ve spent this year mostly soul-searching, discovering who I want to be at age 28 and what I want in life, even though, for a long time I was pretty sure of what I wanted. Somehow this year has pulled a mat from beneath my feet, my head hitting the floor, causing some destiny memory loss.

I’ve fought with the voice that keeps on shouting I’m not good enough; I’ve fought with people I care about; I have lost friends and I have lost a part of myself. This year made me stagnant, fearful and passive in all the areas where I used to drink from life as much as I could. My passion and care for social justice has shifted to hollow facebook statuses, tweets, and quotes of what other people said and did. I have never loved and hated loneliness as much as I did this year. Whenever I was with groups of people, I felt extremely inferior, forcing me to rather be by myself, and when I’m alone I felt worthless.

I have never considered suicide as an option until this year. This year has been tough.

Don’t get me wrong though. I had wonderful times, with wonderful people that I will cherish forever. This year had its good parts for me as well. I had people who showed me in genuine ways they cared for me. I have a girlfriend who stood by each ache, every weight, and every depression. I had days, sometimes weeks where I woke up every morning with new courage and hope for what’s to come. During those days, the possibility of this year becoming better almost always felt possible, but then it would disappear.

Today is one of those days where I’m ready to pick myself up again and move forward. And I know if I don’t get this out; if I don’t write about this; if I keep it in, it will disappear sooner than I can think. My heart is heavy as I’m writing this but my heart is hopeful, that redemption is on its way. My heart is in the waiting of something new and fresh. By no means am I saying I’ve conquered my demons but I want to start living again for the things that made me feel alive a while ago. I wanna thrive on the things I’ve been given; I wanna be thankful for family, awesome friends, and a loving girlfriend.

I want you to pray for me. I NEED you to pray for me. Pray that these beautiful things would continue to give me reason to fight, again, and again. I want to grow and change, and be a better me this time next year. I don’t want you to pray for me for an easier life, I gave up on that long time ago. I know a lot of tough years might still lie ahead. But I also know we are more than the struggles that holds us.

We are more than the lies we tell ourselves.

We are more than the years.

I am more than the years.