I’m writing this in advance, because I know
it’s only a matter of time before it’s the end. Believe me when I say I’m no
coward. I’m really not. I’m just SO tired of living; tired of thinking, hoping,
believing that things might take a turn for the better. Let’s not be fooled. It
only gets better when it’s been good for some time already, which in my case,
have been never.
Real life, I hate to leave you behind, but
my guess is that it’s only gonna be a matter of years, maybe months and I’ll be
forgotten, because there’s just too many of us. We are a lot, but our voices
are too soft.
My only real regret for leaving is the
people I’m leaving behind- the ones who cared, each in their own way. My heart
ache for the pain I’m leaving you with. Please don’t walk around with guilt and
shit. Cry, for a few days at least, and then live glorious lives. The lives
you’ve always wanted to live. Take it from me; I choked myself because I could
never live the life I wanted. You can call it weakness, cowardice, selfishness,
but I could not dare to live another day with all these secrets eating away at
me in any way.
I have lived with pain. I have lived with
pleasure. True joy has befriended me at times, but I haven’t been truly happy
for a number of years now. My smiles were genuine and my love for others was
real. I could not have faked that. For I love people too much. I have always
looked out for people, and I would die for a friend, but I have never cared to
look after myself. I have never cared about my own happiness because I never
believed I could honestly be happy.
I’m 28 years old but I have lived close to
a hundred years of stories and they seem to weigh in on me. I can feel it. I
have lost my sanity in it all. I couldn’t handle it any longer.
The past four years I’ve listened to over
hundreds of gigabytes of music. I have felt the truth behind the phrase ‘music
is a safe place’. I have found comfort in the Taylor Swift’s and meaning in the
Demon Hunters. They both provided a place for me to get lost into, and I needed
that. I would’ve left you much earlier most probably if it wasn’t for music.
I’m leaving most of you with nothing more
than questions and confusion, but the darkness I’ve lived through were even
more confusing every single time I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror.
To everyone who has loved me, I am so
sorry. I have no idea how I got to this dark place while I knew you were there.
I knew most of u were just a call or text away, any time of the day. So many
times I wanted to
just pick up the phone and say, “hey, I’m having a bad day. I’m
having a hard time believing the truth about myself, but I never did. And the more
I could not press ‘call’, the more I felt alone.
I started StayAliveFriend for the people I
knew who struggled with their demons and needed a place to feel safe about it,
but I never felt safe about my own. For some time I’ve found freedom in your braveness,
but the heaviness I felt at night alone were too over-bearing.
Forgive me friends, family and everyone who
believed in me. You were the very reason I held on for so long.
Every person that I’ve hurt that I haven’t had
the chance to make amends with, I’m truly sorry for whatever it is I did to
you.
We live in a world with so much pain. Not a
day went by that I have not stepped out the door thinking about every person I’m
meeting up with and wonder what pain they are hiding beneath perfectly made
hair and shining shoes.
Please make the world a better place for
yourself and the people you meet.
I know there’s a million better ways to
cope than through this. I know if I had just talked to someone. I know things
could have been better, but I did not, and things did not go better. I’m here.
I’m ready. I’m gone.
Love,
Ivor
No comments:
Post a Comment